NBA Muzzles Gun-Related Language

In response to recent controversy over a Nike print ad featuring Los Angeles Lakers’ star Kobe Bryant stating that he doesn’t “leave anything in the chamber” in reference to his toughness on the court, and in light of the recent suspensions of both Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton for having guns in the Washington Wizards’ locker room, the NBA has taken unprecedented action to protect the wholesome family-friendly image for which the league is known.

In a statement issued by the NBA commissioner’s office, the act of launching the basketball toward the net will no longer be referred to as “shooting”.  According to league commissioner David Stern, “The NBA will maintain a zero-tolerance policy for any language that may be construed as being related to firearms or the use of firearms in order to safeguard our fan base and preserve the decency of the sport.  Effective immediately, the terms ’shoot’, ’shooting’ and ’shot’ will no longer be used in connection with the sport of professional basketball.”

While it is unclear at this time which words will be approved as replacements for the offensive verbiage, a league spokesman states that options currently under consideration include “tossing”, “heaving” and “hurling”. The spokesman for the league further states that, henceforth, the shot clock will be referred to officially as the “Hurry Up Clock”.

In related action, all past and present NBA player nicknames have been ordered to be edited thus eliminating any weapons-related references. A partial list of pending changes includes the removal of the patently offensive nicknames for Andrei “AK-47″ Kirilenko, Robert “Big Shot Bob” Horry, Pete “Pistol Pete” Maravich, Eric “The Polish Rifle” Piatkowski, Chuck “The Rifleman” Person and Tom “Tommy Gun” Heinsohn.